i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Randomize
