yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
