I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
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