Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
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