Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize