Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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