It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
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