she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
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