I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
