I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
