I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Randomize