grandma shit on top of the toilet
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
Buhtt sex?
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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