I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Is Oprah even human
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
