The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
