My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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