i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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