I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
