she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
