we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Randomize
