If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize