I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
