I am spending my child support on dildos
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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