I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize