Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
