just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
