You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
