I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
