only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
