I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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