Only a mothe r could love this liver
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Randomize
