Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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