I'm jealous of your bromance
Moan for me like Helen Keller
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
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