The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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