I can tuck mytits in my pants
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
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