Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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