I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
