Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Randomize
