Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
