I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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