Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Randomize
