Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
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