where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
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