Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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