I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Randomize
