we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
