dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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