She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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