Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
I think I have vodka in my lungs
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize