oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
