she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Randomize
