My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
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