I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
