On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize
