Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Randomize
