How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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