Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize