I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Randomize
