If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Randomize
