i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
