Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize